I can't believe I struggle in the ways that I do. When I look in the mirror, I see someone completely different from the way I feel inside, and the way I feel when I look at others and when they look at me. In the mirror I see someone pretty, someone who ought to be confident all the time and handle life in a completely different manner. But when I'm not looking in the mirror, I forget what I really look like to the outside world. I forget that I can be that radiant, confident woman I've seen so many times, but who is actually trapped in the mirror. I forget that she needs to step outside the mirror and release herself unto the world. Instead, I walk around this earth timidly, hesitantly, worriedly, ashamedly, confusedly, and bashfully. I feel small, insecure, and insignificant. My dreams feel impossible. My passions are strong but everything is painful. I legitimately suffer for being so full of hopes and dreams but so unafraid and unable to do anything about them. I am trapped by my own twisted mind and I feel like a child.
I don't get why God made me this way. I think He did make me special, because I know I have talents and skills and traits to offer the world. But why am I also so ill equipped to use them? Why do I not possess what most others do? I feel so lacking, so ill at ease, and so desperate. I just want to be held. But I don't want others involved. I don't care about relationships or melding people into my life goals. No, this is about independence. This is about being an adult and knowing what it means for the first time. This is about never wanting to feel inadequate again. I want to squash this constant agony of never being enough, of never having the tools or the knowledge or the intelligence or the common sense to do anything useful to gain success for myself. I want to know I can someday be at rest.
My soul feels stretched to its limits. I know that doing nothing is worse than trying and failing. I know many practical, logical, functional, rational things. But "knowing" them doesn't do me any good. It makes me feel worse. It ignites those flames of inadequacy and overwhelmed-ness. I am swallowed in simple oppression. I know there are probably people in the world who suffer similarly but to a greater extent, but I haven't met them, so I feel like I'm the only one. Nobody thinks about the details that I do. Nobody lets them get in the way. I submit to my weakness and anxiety about the most basic things in life. So I am constantly uncomfortable, no matter where I am or what I do. I feel incomplete, immature, and unready. I am so late and slow in developing. The very fact that I am writing this is pathetic!
I know I should pray more. I let all of these burdens take hold of my mind until I am fairly paralyzed with their weight. I wish someone could help. But I don't really, because it would make me even more ashamed and embarrassed and wishing I could be a turtle so I could crawl into my shell. I hate my humanity. But there are times I've been able to love it. There's nothing quite like being human...it is definitely its own thing to be appreciated. But one can also loathe it, celebrate it, cherish it, worship it, degrade it, and unveil it. I know our outlook is what matters most. But sometimes, I just think that's bullshit and I'll eat some chocolate.
I feel stuck. I feel too old to be so stuck, and I'm afraid that by the time I'm finally unstuck I'll be 80, and by then I won't give a shit anymore.
I think our society has ruined me. That's why I've always felt like I don't belong. I don't want to be a gringa. I have always felt my Latin blood more strongly than anything else. This isn't my culture, this isn't my nature. I want to be unleashed.
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