Stay alive...and live!

I had this thought the other day that I just have to write down. I don't think I can remember it exactly as it was in my head (and damn, it was so brilliant), but I'll try to flesh out the gist.

I was thinking about suicide. Not planning my own, but thinking about the idea of taking one's life and what it means. I thought about this while I was at a crosswalk in Madrid and watching all the cars and Vespas zipping by. One wrong move, one foot into the traffic and I could be killed in an instant. I thought about God and faith and that I can't believe that people who don't believe are just living their lives for nothing. How can so many people be on this earth and not know why they're here? I looked around at the people walking by on the city sidewalk and realized that this is exactly the problem - they don't know why they're living, so they're not really living. I scowled at all the people smoking (because practically everyone does here) and thought about the tragedy of how unhealthy it was; I thought about all the millions of other ways humans in general mistreat themselves on a daily basis. Drinking, hoarding, self-harm, and overall neglect are just a few. Cities make disease seem so prominent; I'm constantly taking note of people's skin, their facial features, their posture, and general demeanor, and I notice how indicative it all is of their wellbeing (or lack thereof). How truly sad it is that we waste our precious time, youth, and natural-born health destroying it all, and for what? We gain nothing.

I looked up at the scaffolding on a building under construction. I am terrified of heights, and every time I see construction way up high, I am in awe at the brave men working up there. How can they not be afraid? I thought. Don't they know they could so easily fall and lose their life? In one second? How are they not afraid of that possibility? It's not irrational or unrealistic, after all.

Then I realized this: the truth is that most of us don't actually value our lives. We're just afraid to die, so we keep on living, existing mundanely. We don't actually value our lives, in the grand scheme of things. And this scares me! We don't want to kill ourselves because we're afraid of what may or may not come afterward. If we didn't have that fear of dying, of the experience itself, and if we didn't think there would be any consequences, then maybe we'd all be jumping off buildings. Life is tough and unfair, and people can be cruel. We all experience struggle, and sometimes it can seem so unbearable it's just not worth living through. But we wouldn't actually go through with suicide as a means of taking the easy way out. Neither do we strive to look for God and meaning amidst the struggle and misery. So we settle for indifference, for apathy, and we just accept the fact that so many things in life suck. And we survive.

But if we valued our lives, we'd have a million times more of a reason to stay alive and live. If we actually knew, realized, admitted, acknowledged, celebrated the fact that there is no one like any one of us, and that God breathed life into each of us with our own unique purpose, then we might treat ourselves differently. But it's just so obvious that we don't care enough. Or we forget to care. There are so many other filthy humans walking around that it's easy to melt into the mix and forget that it is AMAZING that I or you even exist. I mean, there never has been and never will be another me. I am precious and valuable beyond anything I could imagine. Sure, I'm a sinner and I always will be one. But that doesn't make me or anyone else less special. Of course, I won't live forever, but that's only here. My body is on loan. My soul is eternal. What I do here does make a difference.

I've realized that no matter what I do in life, no matter where I am, no matter how many wonderful things could be happening for me, I can generally find something to feel depressed about on any given day. (It's just like that for me. I have always suffered from varying levels of depression.) But I also know that God is keeping me here for a reason. There's just no way that I could have gone through what I've gone through for absolutely nothing other than that's just the way life is. I believe that my struggles are all significant. I believe they're shaping me as an individual but that they're also affecting the world. I believe that God sent me here to change the world, because no one else can do it in exactly the same ways that I can, since there's only one me. I believe everyone else on the planet has a purpose to fulfill as well, not just me. We all can change the world because we are all equally loved by God.

The key ingredient here is believing in our own worth and the value of our lives as part of a greater context. My life isn't only important if I have family or friends who love me and make my time enjoyable, or if I have talents and hobbies that are interesting, or if I have enough money to donate to a cause and feed an entire village in Africa. No, my life is important because God made me. My life is important because it is human.

Humans are horrific and incredible beings. We're capable of so much (good and bad), yet our imperfect nature keeps us vulnerable. It should keep us humble as well, but interestingly enough, there still exist many humans who must face multiple trials in life before learning the key component of humility. I happen to be one of those humans. I didn't realize just how human I was until shit hit the fan. Thanks, God (no, seriously)! I really needed a kick in the butt. For real. I couldn't have gone on living so inauthentically because all I was doing was denying my own humanity for years, because I thought being a good person meant being a perfect person. Wrong!

I'm going to admit something to you (or probably just to myself, since I doubt anyone is reading this): I am afraid of mediocrity and the mundane. I want to be fabulous and famous (eek, it's horrible to write but I think it's true). I want every day of the week to feel special. I want to be on fire for God and for my life and its purpose at every moment. But that will never happen. We can't always feel that way, because the external world lets us down now and then. However, what I'm suggesting is that we at least think about this stuff more often. Remind yourself that no matter how lame or boring or difficult or distasteful or frustrating or unfair your life is, you will always be a priority for God. His love for you can never be defeated, and He always has your best interests at heart. He can never do you wrong. He is love, and He is all that is true and good.

I went to Mass last night here in Madrid, and the priest said something that really struck me during his homily (and I'm pretty psyched that I was paying attention at that moment specifically):

We shouldn't try to behave well in life (i.e. make good choices, do good deeds) in order to make God love us; instead, God's love for us should inspire good choices and good deeds.

Wow! Okay, it sounded much better in Spanish, but that is my basic translation and I think you can still get the point. I was dumbfounded and also not that surprised...I mean, this is a pretty simple and what should be obvious conclusion. Why do we think God will love us or help us more if we do something good for our neighbor? That is so backwards! Why isn't God's love for us (which is the biggest Love you could ever hope to find) enough? (Well, it IS enough, but we don't always realize it.) Why aren't we doing more to act on His Love? God's Love should be a springboard for us to change the world. Yes, I realize that not everyone has access or the means or the capacity or the health to do all the amazing things out there...but that is why He created you and me! If not someone else, then why not us??!

I'm grateful for the gift of writing. I'm grateful for the gift of language. I'm grateful for the gift of beauty and my ability to see it and seek it. I may seem quiet on the outside, but there's a rumble inside that I know God is helping me to hone so that I can change the world. And maybe I won't make the history books or receive any recognition whatsoever, but that won't undo what I'm going to achieve in this world. The knowledge of God's Love for me and His purpose for my life will be enough.

Singing Mozart's Requiem...then and now, there and here

AY. DIOS. MÍO. Me he enamorado...¡de la música sacra de nuevo!! Hoy fui a un ensayo del Réquiem de Mozart en la iglesia, pero era un ensayo completamente diferente que normal. Esta vez cantamos en el santuario (no en la salita arriba), que es hermosísimo en primer lugar...pero también cantábamos con ¡LA ORQUESTA!

I was quite literally singing in a HUGE choir amongst a sea of violins, cellos, oboes, piano, trumpet, etc. all filling the church, with a super intense conductor leading the whole thing. You just HAD to be there. I wanted to take photos but all I had with me was my crappy Spanish phone whose camera is horrendous. Anywho, I literally felt goosebumps! The whole thing was amazing. There were four incredible soloists, all my age or younger, and my heart yearned to be one of them, to have an opportunity as a soloist in a piece this important.

I looked up at the altar, at the beautiful, colorful and immense paintings, sculptures of Christ and the holy family, ornate golden furnishings, a bright-patterned carpet covering the steps, the high, stone ceiling of this old church (the oldest in Madrid), and I listened to the music we were making. This all feels so royal, I thought. But why "royal"? Well, I realized, we were singing a Mass for the dead, and Jesus Christ is King. It's only fitting that His music be powerful enough to evoke a sense of royalty.

I sang every piece in the Requiem, even though it was my first time with the score. When we got to "Lacrimosa" my heart was in Heaven. It is such a moving piece, and it's the one that originally made me fall in love with Mozart. I am so happy that I get to sing it again! I first learned "Lacrimosa" during my freshman year of high school, in the chorus directed by Sue Thorpe. That was a magical year for me, musically speaking. I was challenged but I really blossomed as a result.

Ms. Thorpe taught me how to read music, which changed my life. She encouraged me to switch from singing alto to soprano. I had started as an alto because I didn't know anything about music (except that I loved to sing), and I can still remember Ms. Thorpe's words when we discussed my moving to the soprano section: "Go for the gold!" she said fervently. I had always been very uncomfortable and timid in chorus class, partly because I couldn't read music, and partly because Ms. Thorpe herself was pretty strict and demanding (although an excellent choral director). But that moment struck the right chord in me. I was thrilled at being encouraged in such a way. It meant that someone actually believed in me, and saw the potential in me as a singer.

I wish I were still in contact with Sue Thorpe. I wish I could tell her how much her instruction influenced me and changed my life. She left my high school for another job after that one year, and my choral experience was never the same again. But if I could tell Sue Thorpe today what her class did for me, I would tell her that she was the one who planted the seed of desire in me to continue studying music. Because of her, I knew that I would pick music as my major in college. And I did. (Well, it was one of my majors.) The music major was extremely difficult, in both colleges that I attended, and although in the end I decided studying music was not my jam, I'm still grateful for the experiences and the lessons. I'm still grateful that Ms. Thorpe made me realize that music is a legitimate and vital discipline of the arts, and that my voice is an instrument I must not forsake in life.

Thank you, Ms. Thorpe for what you contributed to my life. Had I not continued studying music, I may not have continued participating in choirs. And without my musical literacy, I would not be able to sing in two choirs here in Madrid, Spain, like I am. Thank you for your knowledge, your insistence on making good music, and the inspiration you were to me. I wish you could only know.

"Lacrimosa" is a lament sung in a Mass for the dead, but when I sing it, my heart rejoices and my soul rises in nostalgia.

Jailbreak

I was talking to a friend who lives across the country yesterday.  She is probably the oldest friend I have, and we used to call each other best friends, but in recent years we've grown apart in many ways.  It's interesting to notice how a person can become completely unaware of what she's doing to herself when she begins to adopt a certain dysfunctional lifestyle.  It's always when you're in the middle of it yourself, and can no longer be objective, that it's the hardest to make a change.

I have to pray for this friend, and all others like her.  I was caught in a similar rut a few years ago, where I was making poor decisions but either didn't care or didn't notice.  I was kind of doing what I wanted but I was still sort of chasing something, I think.  Or maybe I was trying to run away from certain parts of myself.

When I was chatting with this friend yesterday, we began discussing morality.  In particular, sexual morality came up.  Of course, this is a huge topic and I'm not going to get into all of it, but my friend said something striking that I know has come across my own mind regarding my own personal choices many times.

"When I do [X] or when I'm with [Y], I'm not thinking of it as bad.  It doesn't feel bad at all.  Actually, it feels pretty good."

Okay, so I'm paraphrasing because I'm pretty sure those were not her exact words, but you get the idea.  Shortly after she said this, she had to leave and I did not have a chance to fully flesh out a response.  But there is so much I would have liked to say to her.

I watched the movie God's Not Dead in the theater, and there was a really good line or two that the character Mrs. Banks, an old woman in a nursing home suffering from Alzheimer's (or maybe it was dementia?) says profoundly:

"Sometimes Satan allows a person a life without trouble so that they won't turn to God."

"Sin is like a jail cell except it's nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any need to leave.  The door is wide open...until one day, the door slams shut."

Boom.  This is what I wish I could have said to my friend.  It's just so sad to me that she doesn't think she deserves or is worth truly loving, and instead she's just seeking pleasure or company or distraction or who the hell knows what, from a bunch of people who don't truly give a shit about her.  But in reality, as I look from the outside in, all I'm seeing is her wasting her life and not really getting anywhere.  It's disorder.  It's spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental chaos.  She's an intelligent woman with so much to offer, but all I see is pain and suffering.  At this point it may be numbing to her, so she's not actually recognizing it as hurtful, but I know for sure that she's not experiencing anything that is bringing out the best in herself or bringing her true joy.

Regarding the God's Not Dead quotes: If sin is so "nice and comfy," then wouldn't that kind of logic imply that nearly anything positive we do or experience is "sinful"?  How can you tell the difference or make any kind of moral basis for yourself if sin is disguised in something that feels good?  Well, I think the true, core definition of sin is anything that separates us from God.  "Feeling good" can actually be quite dangerous.  If we make all our judgments, belief systems, and decisions based on whether or not something "feels good," then we are setting ourselves up for that jail cell to slam on us at any moment.  You see, feelings, whether physical or emotional, are fickle.  They CHANGE.  They VARY from person to person, moment to moment, environment to environment, circumstance to circumstance.  We need something secure, stable, real, true, dependable, undeniable, and absolute.  (Yes, I realize that people in this century do not like the word "absolute," but in fact it exists in our vocabulary and therefore it has some significance.)  We need GOD.  GOD is our lighthouse.  He is there to GUIDE us.  And that is exactly what each and every one of us needs.  We really are like a planet full of Terrible Twos, just running around making messes and often being completely unaware.  Well the thing is, if we keep God, Christ, in the center of our lives, we're just Twos, not necessarily Terrible.  I mean, we're always going to be sinners, but if we aim for something Higher throughout our lives, we're playing the game of life at a whole different level.

I think we all suffer greatly from pride.  Pride keeps us from seeking out Christ.  It keeps us from thinking we need God at all.  We think we can handle everything, even our mistakes.  We think that there will always be a fork in the road where we can just turn right and fix everything along the way.  We think that jail cell is really just a cozy waiting room with no door.  But in fact, that door does exist (some people call it karma) and our lives are happening right now.  I really don't believe that any of us has any good reason to live our lives without purpose.  I don't care what that purpose is for you, but if it's something pure and good, something that makes your heart full and leads you toward God, instead of away from Him, then you have true liberty.  You are free to soar and live your life fearlessly, because you already know that God is the caretaker of your dreams and your reason to keep going.  If Divine Perfection/Love/Omnipotence holds your heart with all its human doubt and worry (along with that of every other human being in existence), then He certainly can take you out of that jail cell.  Don't settle for comfort and familiarity.  Chances are, there is SO much more waiting out there for you.

If you don't have the means or the circumstances to go halfway across the globe and feed all the starving children, then do something else.  Find your passion, your purpose, your reason, your unique lovability, and infuse it wherever and whenever you can.  Smile at the old lady in the grocery store and help her reach something on the shelf.  Ask the cashier how he or she is and look that person in the eyes as you say it.  Take any and all small steps toward greatness.  Greatness is not measured by size; it's authenticity.  

Start living your life from inside the heart outward.  Get OUT of your head.  Get OUT of other people's drama.  Use your body as if it were made of gold and studded with diamonds.  You won't get another.  You are a spirit occupying this body.  Think CLEAN thoughts - whatever makes your spirit glide on Cloud 9 needs to become your fuel.  For me it's the feeling when I sing; when I listen to music in Spanish; when I dance; when I travel somewhere completely new; when I have good, heartwarming, wholesome conversations; the expansion I feel when I'm exposed to a new experience or idea; when I look at beautiful art and admire what people can do.  Discard what isn't taking you forward to a new, wondrous, and magical place where you will find serenity.  Always, always, always search for beauty.  The more you CHOOSE to see things as beautiful, the more they will become so and the lighter your heart will be.

I could go on forever.  And I will - in the way I live my life. That is what we all must do.  You know, in a way, being a human on this planet, being born and placed here, it can really feel like a punishment sometimes...a suffering we must endure, since life really is difficult for most of us.  The imperfection of life demands a struggle at least once, if not many times, throughout the human experience.  BUT, there is Hope.  Hope is begging us, each and every day, to break free of that jail cell, to relinquish our pride, and just get up and walk.  The door is already open!!  What are you waiting for?!

Attraction, Physicality, Spirituality

Physical attraction.  What makes a woman attracted to a man's body?  I'm not going to get into the science of it, of course, as I'm no expert on that matter, but I'd rather express my personal belief/experience from a more intuitive/emotional/spiritual view.  (Yes, I really did include the word spiritual in there.)  I struggle with the subject of men and relationships for many reasons, but I often notice that no matter how annoyed or turned off I can be at every member of the male gender in a given moment, I still have the ability to physically see them as attractive.  And it makes me curious, because I know that I'm a human being, not merely an animal who behaves on procreative instinct.  I know that this attraction is higher, is linked to something beyond the simple fact that a man's body contrasts with my own.  The beauty in this contrast is most definitely a large factor for me, personally, but I want to share a revelation I had in my thoughts recently.

I am a visual artist, and my forte in subject matter is portraiture and figural work.  The human body has always fascinated me.  In high school, my concentration one year for my AP Studio Art portfolio was the male figure.  But even as a child, I was always pretty aware of people's bodies and how they all have different shapes and even exhibit different senses of character.  Everyone has their own unique gestures, postures, gaits, and manner of holding themselves physically.  It really is amazing that we humans are all mechanisms, structures, built to move and accomplish such a wide variety of tasks in life.  When I draw people from life, I relish the way an individual is physically recognizable by his or her natural body expressions.  No two pairs of legs walk quite the same way; similarly, no two pairs of hands rest or flex the same.  Weight is distributed differently.  Some bodies are softer and some are edgier, which affects how they move, how clothing drapes over them, and more.  Everybody simply holds themselves in a different way, and it's quite striking when you are able to notice and appreciate this.

What intrigues me initially about the male body, in addition to what I've noted above, is that it is so different from mine from the very basics.  I'll never know what it's like to be in a man's body, but to be aware of it is very important to me.  As a Catholic woman, I do believe that God designed and created us humans, male and female, with a higher purpose, but one that intentionally includes physical attraction.  So what is it that has always innately made me feel attracted to a man's body?  It can't be just that the male body is different from mine -- it just can't.  That's too simple.  And as previously stated, I know I'm more than an animal with basic instincts.  I'm an animal with a complex psyche, free will, and spirituality.  So I know there's more to it than the fact that a man is just "different".  But what?  Well, here's the thought I had the other day that finally enabled me to articulate what I'm acknowledging when I see a man as physically attractive.

A man's body is impressive.

What does that mean?  Why the word "impressive"?  (I really do appreciate the way some thoughts just appear to me as if they're not my own, and I get to watch them flow from one to the next...)  The more I stayed with this idea of a man's body being impressive in my thought process, the more I was able to follow it and break it down.

First of all, what do I admire in the male body, exactly?  What am I seeing when I think to myself, "Wow, look at his body"?  This is important to lay out first.

I see firmness.  I see strength that far surpasses my own (seriously, it's amazing to me how even a man who doesn't look much bigger than me seems to have about ten or twenty times my strength).  I see sturdines, rigidness, solidness, and grounded physical presence.  I see more lines, edges, texture, and variation in form with the male body than with a female's.  I appreciate the details: heavy brows, thicker necks, greater height, broader hands, fuller deltoids (I do think this is my favorite part).  As an artist, all of these things are exciting to me because I make a mental drawing of everyone and everything, constantly.  It's all a journey, an adventure, and a visual opportunity for me to study human anatomy (without having to take a class or actually know the scientific names of our body parts).

So you see, when reflecting on my reactions to a man's body, I reflect upon what appeals to me.  And this brings up the question of why "impressive" is the word that seems most fitting for my assessment of my attraction to the male body.  Here's what I think:  God.  It must be that the word "impressive" came to my mind in particular because I already believe that human bodies were intelligently and divinely created.  I believe that every function of our bodies is part of a supernatural design -- by our one and only Maker!  Therefore, I feel impressed when I admire a man's body because I am appreciating God's handiwork.

Wow.
Boom.
This hit me.  This really, really hit me.  I haven't read John Paul II's Theology of the Body but I know of it, and this revelation I had about men's bodies being impressive must have some correlation with JPII's writings...  Feel free to comment if you have anything to add about that.

I worry I may not be able to express the profundity loudly enough here...  It sounds too simple, but let me restate:  I feel impressed when I admire a man's body because I am appreciating God's handiwork.

WHOA!  Do you know what this means?  This is great news for you and me, male and female, all humans alike.  This has a direct significance for us on an individual and interpersonal level.  This idea is HUGE because it gives us a purpose and a reason to treat each other with unearned respect.

"Unearned respect"?  Maybe that's not the best phrasing.  But what I mean to say is, we don't have to prove anything to anyone to be respected as human beings.  God already designed our bodies beautifully, to do and be so many things.  He made us different, male and female.  He personally created you and me, with His own Intelligence that exceeds anything we here on Earth could ever attempt on our own.  And our bodies prove it!  The way I feel when admiring a man's body tells me something: it tells me that I acknowledge that man as one of God's creations.  One of God's creations.  God is holy.  Therefore, that man is called to be holy.  That man comes from holiness.  WOW!  And God doesn't arbitrarily create people to just fill up space on this planet.  Oh no, no, no.  If that were the case, we'd have no reason for living at all and it would be perfectly okay to murder someone on the spot for calling us a name or cutting into our lane on the highway or forgetting to give us our change in the convenience store.  Thankfully, that's not the case; we all know, somehow, that there is a meaning to our lives, even if we don't know what that meaning is.  God brings us here with tools, skills, personalities, gifts, dreams, and goals.  He gives us to each other to contribute something and make an impact of some kind.  So we are each pretty damn important.

I also need to restate that, by respectfully appreciating God's handiwork in another person's body, this is great news for the human race.  If we are capable of doing that much - of acknowledging that the people we feel attracted to were uniquely and intentionally created by God, who is Love, then we are capable of so much love and value.  We are capable of holding other people's lives in high esteem because they were specifically engineered by a loving Creator.

This blows my mind.  Being attracted to men's bodies makes me respect them physically but also now spiritually...  We are inherently linked in our attraction to what is different, what we do not know, because the work of Another is impressive.  It is something we humans cannot match, cannot recreate, cannot duplicate or originate.  A man's body is the impressive work of art that innately requires respect and value in this world (and the same goes for women's bodies, of course).

So men, although you will forever confuse, annoy, and frustrate me, you will also continue to impress me (at least physically, for now, ha ha)...  Maybe stop trying and start being, from your own artistic structures that can do so much for this world.  Maybe when you realize this, you will realize that your physical power is a gift and a wonderful responsibility.  You are called to be holy, inspiring, intelligent and awesome, just like the God who made you.