I'm at a crucial point in life. Well, a crucial career-minded point. I'm 25 and still trying to figure out what to do with myself. I still live in my parents' house. I work a per diem job to cover the bills but right now I'm trying to be diligent about this new business I've created, Just Peachy! Portraits. My website and logo are still under construction, but I'm hopeful that with enough determination, time, and talent, I can actually go someplace with this. However, I still get really down about the fact that I am an artist in almost every way, and it's often the most impractical path.
I miss singing, and am going to get back into it soon. I'm trying to be very aware of when I am most happy so that I can follow that feeling. And the truth is, I am happiest when I am singing and when I am making art. I really don't want a typical day job. I do not want to work for a company. I want to be my own boss, and I want to do work that lets me use my skills and talents! This, for me, is singing and drawing/painting. But I wish it could just be that simple. I wish I could quit my "practical" job and be a part-time portrait artist and a part-time singer. I mean, why the hell not? Why can't I live in my own apartment and speak Spanish every day and make beautiful pictures and sing beautiful songs? Why can't I bring a little color and joy to the world?
I just don't like the way the world works. That we have to have all these rigid, structured, organized, documented, official, detailed pieces of our lives together in order to function. But I wonder how much of it is my perception and doubt as opposed to point-blank reality. I know I have many irrational fears that need to be trampled, otherwise I'll never get anywhere.
But being in my mid-twenties now is making me feel more impatient. I need to get out of here, I need to be an adult and be independent and make myself succeed. I need to do what I was born to do, what God gave me as parts of my unique self. I need to keep pushing myself and not expect anyone else to. I need to, I need to, I need to. I tell myself that phrase about a lot of things.
The thing is, when I'm sitting in my room like this and look at my things and contemplate the fact that I am here, in this house, still...I wonder when the moment will be. When will it finally be the day that I pack up everything I need, get rid of the rest, figure out how to ship things, and have a new address? Where will I be going? When will I know that it's time? Or, rather, when will I feel that urge take over and just lose all reservations? When will these petty fears and annoyances really become that - just petty - and enable me to be the best person I can be? I'm afraid that the longer I sit here, the longer I wait and worry and feel sorry for myself, the more entrapped I become. The tighter the shackles of anxiety and self-doubt become until one day, I may decide never to leave. But I can't let that happen. I absolutely must not. If I'm to blossom and be a beautiful reflection of God's love by celebrating the gifts He's given me, I cannot be a prisoner. I have to be free.
Many people would read this and pass judgment or provide simple answers or laugh or scoff and scorn, but I'm not going to worry about them. I believe in self-love and true compassion (something many know nothing of these days, lamentably). I believe in being gentle with oneself, and I believe in encouragement and positive affirmations. If no one can do this for me, it's my job to do it for myself. Sometimes I want my true self - the woman who is beautiful and talented and strong and holy and lovely - to give my worried little girl part a big, warm hug.
Dear God, I still wonder how long I'm going to be like this. How can I change? How can I be courageous and prominent? How can I accomplish my dreams and still be loving You? How can I follow Your path for me? Am I wasting time? Is this what You really want for me?
Jesus, I am coming to understand more and more that wherever You want me to be is always the direction I should go. Sometimes it's not so easy to tell, and I have to take risks and jump somewhere. But I want to be safe. I want to contribute to the world, and make a difference. I want to matter. I don't want to just exist. I've been there already. You know my history. I want to bring love and compassion to others where they have never experienced it. I want to be lighthearted and joyful, I want to paint the world in song and color. I am so grateful for the music my voice makes and the colors my eyes see. I'm constantly frustrated because my soul wants to be everywhere and follow every passion. But yet I know You want me to experience this struggle. I know You have a love for me no human ever could. You do believe I'm special and unique. And You can lead me down the right path. All I have to do is follow! Please help me succeed in this. Bring my heart to Yours. Help me reach for You in all my endeavors. Help me believe.
