You owe it to yourself
to live while you're alive.
To drink up the flavors of youth
and spread your magic everywhere
To be enamored by the fact that
you are here,
and not mistakenly so.
You were meant to be amazing,
and to know it by the way
you live your life.
We were meant to see your radiance
and feel its warmth touch our own lives,
encouraging our spirits to soar
Until we stop caring about not caring.

You have to give a shit
about yourself
us, the known, the unknown,
the Present,
Because you were put here
in Love.
You have no right to see yourself
as anything less than loved,
created in love, swathed in Love.
There's no such thing as wasting time
Just wasting life
and wasting love.

Dare to spread lies and rumors about your unending worth.
Put on your acting hat
and live a grand love affair of fantasies
that lift you up,
until one day, you realize they were always true.
That you can achieve and blossom
and that your dreams hold value
because they came from you,
a product of Love.

Fake it until you make it.

You can't afford anything less
than your best self
and neither can we.
You, unique, holy, sacred, held
and blessed to perfection
because you are who you were created to be.

Devour every moment that permits your beauty
to seep into every pore
of every being
and every crevasse of every space.
Be so fabulous you might even faint.
(But no need to feint your fabulosity...)

Let us all refuse the tragedy of treasured misery
The petty marathon of woes
The stillness of lackluster perspective.
Let no one keep you in their pigpen
If they cannot cradle you in their heart.

Silence, laughter, breath, water, crickets, stars
Blackness, light
A twinkle in our bodily system
You've got the idea, right?

The Spanish Z

I find the softness of the Spanish Z so sensual.  The way, as a native English speaker, you anticipate a rough sound, like the buzz in "buzz," but instead find a beautiful S disguised as a Z is just...un pedazo of why I adore this language so much.  The contrast is alluring and charming, like actual proof of the different perspectives each culture has, demonstrated in the very strucutre of their languages.  Spanish is passionate and fiery, yet it's so lyrical and elegant.  Refined and musical.  Natural.  Hermoso.

Some Spanish words with a lovely soft Z:

Regazo
Perezoso
Triza
Esperanza
Mestizo
Avergonzada
Arroz
Zanahoria
Zapatos
Paz
Lápiz
Tristeza
Mezcla
Juzgado


Damn, I wish I could think of more.  It's always when I need to think of something specific that I can't.  I'm sure later on I'll realize all the others and feel tonta for not coming up with them earlier.  Oh well!

Making a Living...Finding a Place

I'm still completely baffled by the way God has spoken to me in the last week or so.  I had a crazy awesome encounter with an EMT at work, whom I discovered is Christian as well and totally passionate about his faith.  Oh, did I mention that this happened hours after I spent some quality time in my brain feeling down about the faithlessness of society and doubting whether my own religion is valid anymore?  Then, days later, I had posted on Facebook a status about how I wanted to feel missed, among other things, and guess what happened?  The person I least expected to see at the ER told me, in a conversation, that I am missed.  And she said it more than once, looking into my eyes.  It was as if God Himself were speaking to me!  And the funny thing is, when I wrote that I wanted to be missed, I was thinking of it in a specific way, like from a certain type of person. But after Margie said it to me, I realized how beautiful it was that it came from her.  She's the kind of person many people would overlook at first, based on her appearance (I hate to say that, but it's realistic).  And what I learned from this is that God fulfills our needs in the least expected, most unusual ways sometimes, but with purpose!  How fascinating.  He really knows how to surprise and humble us.

But here I am, still having doubts about my life and what it's worth.  I struggle so much with the things I do -- my art, my singing, my Spanish, my writing, etc. -- because I don't see how they are valued by society at all.  I don't see how I matter on the grand scheme of things.  I don't see how I can escape the typical workforce and create the lifestyle I want: one involving all the activities I just mentioned, plus travel and a general independence.  It seems like the things I do best aren't viewed as professional or legitimate ways of making a living.  But I know that I do them well!  And I feel like I'm wasting my time when I'm not doing them.  Yet here we are, in an age where making money is everything.  I know it shouldn't be that way, but in all honesty, money is kind of a necessity when it comes to shelter, food, clothing, and getting from point A to point B.  And like everyone knows, you can't be an artist and do it for the money.  Or so they say.

So why did God create ME?  Why do all the things I love and the skills I possess cost money but make very little?  How can I actually contribute to the world and not be in agony about where I'm not?  I can't possibly keep up with all my talents and have a day job at the same time for the rest of my life.  How can I just be me, completely enthralled by everything artistic and keep a roof over my head?  I have to escape.  I have to get off the training wheels.  I don't know where I belong and I wish I did.

I have these Discernment Days coming up with the Franciscan Mission Service.  I'm looking forward to the experience, but I still feel on the fence about becoming a lay missioner.  It means putting myself in a place of economic insecurity and not knowing what would come after.  Basically, if I get accepted into the program, I would have to quit my job, go on mission for two years, defer my student loans, use my savings to get by throughout the service term, and hope there's money left to resettle at the end.  And where would that be?  Where would I even begin?  How would I make money?  The thought of coming back home to live with my family of origin just riles me.  I can't let that happen.  And in the meantime, what about my portrait business I've just started up?  What about my singing I want to get back involved with?  What about salsa dancing?  What about the things I want to maintain?  I don't understand how it will all connect and how I can prevent losing any of them forever.

I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know!  I pray to God to show me the way, but I'm not sure it's gotten any clearer.  I know that I am a huge obstacle as well.  I'm afraid of being stuck for the rest of my life and having a serious load of regrets when I'm older.

Everything seems so foggy, so unknown, so unclear.  I thought some things were clear.  I thought I was meant to be a singer, an artist, a Spanish-speaking success.  Well okay, if not any of that, WHAT????

Meaningful moments at Splash

I was completely blown away after salsa tonight.  I was getting ready to leave when David, the man who organizes and makes the salsa series at Splash happen each summer, pulled me over and said, "Come here, I want to talk to you."  I immediately thought it was something bad, even though I had no reason to believe so.

I wish I could have recorded what this man said to me in the next several minutes.  I can't remember his words verbatim, but basically he had taken me aside to tell me how impressed he is by my dancing, how much he loves watching me dance, and how happy he was at my being there. He met me toward the end of last summer, when I was just beginning to learn salsa, and I was still very shaky and lacking in confidence in my abilities.  Tonight he said that I've just blossomed and that I am one of the rare dancers who comes along to salsa and really dances.  "So many people take classes and learn the dance, and they're very good but they're very stylized.  It takes a good teacher to crack that shell and bring out the real dancer.  You're one of those cracked shells."  Those may not be his exact words, but everything he said really struck me.  I kept thanking him but he kept saying, "I'm not joking, I want to make sure you really see me here and see what I'm saying."

I just couldn't get over it.  I've never been a dancer, I've never been truly comfortable in my own skin, I've never had an easy time with letting myself and my body be seen.  Dance challenges all of this in me.  But it's very healthy for me.  I know I've certainly improved in my salsa dancing since last summer, but it's still been less than a year and I still find myself not knowing what the heck I'm doing sometimes.  So it's really shocking that someone would specifically single me out and take the time to speak such wonderful words about my dancing.

But what struck me the most was when David said, taking my hand and looking me in the eyes, "I believe in you."  Inside, I could have cried.  I can't express what this phrase means to me.  I have struggled so much in my lifetime, on so many levels, with self-confidence and faith that I can really do things and be somebody in this world.  I have known so many letdowns, setbacks, and failures with all kinds of things I've tried to accomplish, and one of the things I always felt I needed was to know that someone, anyone, believed in me.  I have so many gifts I want to share with the world and I know that I need to believe in myself first, but I also need to know that what I do makes a difference in the eyes of others.

Tonight I felt appreciated.  I felt that I mattered, that I belong at salsa, that I have grown in another art form so beautiful and captivating not only inside my heart, but in a way that emanates and is visible to others.  David said that I am not like others who dance and don't pay attention to what's going on around them; he said that when I hear a song I love, it shows, because my body starts to interpret the music on its own.  I knew he was saying exactly what I experience.  I'm not just a dancer -- I'm a singer first, so music already has an enormous impact on me, wherever I go.  I don't dance salsa just because I want to move my body.  I dance because I LOVE Spanish and I LOVE Latin music.  It's already settled in my heart, it feels natural, it feels like home.  I love singing in Spanish, and I love the way I feel when I listen to Latin music.  It arouses the real Latina in me, the colorful person I am, and the beauty I feel within the world.  It's like being in a fairytale for a night -- feeling like a princess with nothing but the magic of music and the light it brings.

I am a wholesome young woman with strong passions and dreams.  I only want to get better and better.  I want others to share my hope and my childlike fascinations with art.  I want to be lovely and authentic at every age.  I want to never give up, never stop believing in myself.  I am so blessed to have salsa dancing be such a huge part of my life nowadays.  I'm so happy I started taking lessons last year and that I've stuck with it.  I haven't always been consistent but I know for sure that salsa will always be in my heart.  This wonderful dance brings me so much closer to the woman I dream of being: vibrant, rich in life, multicultural, and joyful.

Magic on the Mat

The yoga mat is a magical place, a sacred place.  Wonderful things can occur on this simple piece of material!  I am really coming to love and appreciate what happens to my body, mind, and spirit when I take the time to be present and exercise my body.

I've spent a lot of time on a yoga mat in years prior.  It began when I was in a therapeutic yoga program, which I loved.  I had a great instructor and I cherished everything she taught.  I also branched out and took classes in the local yoga studios.  But eventually, life caught up with me and I stopped my yoga practice.

I'm still not practicing yoga like I used to, but the great news is that yoga mats are still useful for other forms of exercise!  So my mat is not just sitting in a corner collecting dust anymore, which makes me very happy :).  I've recently had a surge of willpower to commit myself to exercising so I can tone up my body and be healthier.  I have a set of workout DVDs that I used to use, but like yoga, I laid them to rest for a while, along with my hand weights and resistance tube.  Anyway, I'm currently on a path to wellness and it feels great!  But I'm also learning a lot along the way.  And it's a process that has taken my whole life to unfold into.

I have always struggled with the idea of physical fitness.  When I was a child, I was very active when I played (bike riding, monkey bars, etc.) and I dreamed of becoming an Olympic gymnast.  Unfortunately, my parents could not afford gymnastics lessons, so that dream was never to be fulfilled.  As I grew older, I grew less physically active.  I hated P.E. class, especially in middle and high school.  I never considered myself an athlete, and having to be in gym class was the most painful, embarrassing, shameful experience to endure at the time.  When I look back on those days now, I feel sad for myself.  I want to give that girl a hug and tell her she's okay!  I had low self-esteem and almost no confidence during those years, especially when it came to my body.  I wanted to be strong and fast like everyone else, but it seemed like it just wasn't me.  I was an artist, a singer, everything but athletic.  Having to compete with others and having my athletic incompetencies exposed to the world in gym class was just brutal.

In college I suddenly took it upon myself to start jogging.  I started out very small, then worked my way up.  I never participated in any clubs or school activities when it came to exercise, but I made definite progress on my own.  However, I still didn't know much about the connection between physical exercise and how the way I moved my body could relate to my mind and spirit.  I was more focused on doing the activity and keeping track of the numbers involved - miles, minutes, etc.  I thought that numbers were everything.

But now, as a 25-year-old woman with many dreams and fears and lessons behind and ahead of her, I am learning to see exercise and physical fitness from a whole new perspective.  Again, it comes from the journey; I had worked my way up to running 10 or more miles at a time, but then I stopped running and exercising regularly for about two years.  Last summer, I was in a musical where I had to do some choreography, and that gave me confidence to finally try something on my bucket list - salsa dancing.  I danced regularly for several months, and most recently I've taken a break from it.  Now, I'm working on exercising at home.  Part of my excuse for not exercising my body over the years was often weather-related.  This is Vermont, and we only have nice running weather for about four months out of the year.  So every year, when it started getting too cold to run, I would stop and basically do nothing all winter long.  But I never liked that - I wanted to be able to exercise, because honestly, exercise really does make you feel good, no matter what your fitness level is.  But I didn't feel like I should have to pay for a gym membership, especially since I don't particularly enjoy working out at gyms.

So I don't know what it was, but this time around, I finally got real with myself and realized that where there is a will, there is a way.  I live in a small home with my family, and I don't have a lot of personal space.  I always complained to myself that there is not enough floor space for me to do my workout DVDs in my room, which is where I really want to do my workouts.  (I only needed my yoga mat and laptop to play the DVD.)  But suddenly, one day, I had this defiant, fed-up part rise up in me that just felt so willful and determined in the best way to make this possible for myself, because honestly, being able to work out felt way more important than the silly reasons I had for not working out.  So I literally pushed some items from the floor at the foot of my bed to the side of it, making enough room to fit my yoga mat.  Suddenly, I had a workout space.  And just like that, it was as if I had literally pushed aside my obstacles in order to make space for what mattered most to me at the time.  I had been dwelling for so long on feeling sorry for myself and guilty for not being in shape or exercising regularly, that I finally got sick of and said, "The heck with it, I'm going to make this work for me!"

I'm using the same DVD set I had from about three or four years ago.  Back then, I tried to force myself into completing the full workouts without really thinking about it or having any patience for myself at all.  Now, I come to my practice with a completely different mindset.  I feel calmer, gentler, and open-minded.  I know I cannot do every move or every rep when I'm not in shape to begin with.  But I also know that this is okay.  I don't have to be already in shape to get in shape!  The point of working out is to enjoy the process, to be present with it, and to stay committed to it and know that results will come in time.  Before I used to work out as more of a punishment, as if I were angry with myself for not being the most athletic person out there.  Now, I'm able to appreciate that this is my practice, to be done in my time, and there's no one I have to compete with but myself.  I'm also not feeling so impatient for the results.  Of course, I'd like to see firmer arms and toned abs by next week, but is that realistic?  No, of course not!  So nowadays, as I stay committed to my exercise (which I hope will last!), I am looking at this from a whole different point of view; I am feeling excited for the results, and the fact that this is a process actually enables me to feel that excitement!  The fact that this cannot happen overnight is now making me even more determined to keep at it so I can later look back and realize how hard I worked.  But it's also not about over-working myself.  As I follow along with the DVD, I acknowledge when something is too hard for me, but I still try to do as much as I can, modifying a move when I need to.  And I'm noticing that this is actually working; when I try the same move a few days later, I realize I am able to do more reps or hold a position longer, and that means I'm getting stronger.

So, back to the original topic.  When I'm physically standing on the yoga mat, in bare feet, and feeling the hard surface of the floor under the mat, I feel a change take place within me, even before I begin exercising.  It's immediately freeing.  Child's pose feels natural.  Almost anything I do on the mat comes naturally.  I feel like I have space.  And I feel like I am delivered from my typical self-judgments.  It is all too easy for me to pass harsh judgments on my self and my body, but when I'm on the yoga mat, I feel so much more compassionate toward myself.  Like there's just no need to be anything less than gentle or loving.  And that's how it should always be.  My body is not perfect, but when I give it the gift of time with the mat, I feel so much more at ease about this.  I learn to love and appreciate the moments spent on the mat, and the process of working toward transforming it (not necessarily in a shocking or huge way, just making a change of some sort).  Standing on the yoga mat, raising my arms and taking deep breaths, bringing my arms back down with hands in prayer pose, I feel at peace.  I feel like anything is possible.  I feel like I am worthy. I feel like this is my place, my time, my moment.  It is a gift, and I must be grateful.  Practicing gratitude is one of the best methods of self-healing I've found.  It can be quite uplifting!

When I'm on the mat, I feel almost reverent.  I feel close to myself, close to my body, attentive, hopeful, concentrated, but also frustrated, exhausted, and maybe a bit angry still.  Almost any emotion can arise on the mat.  But I think they're almost always healthy.  Because the physical movements help us through.  It's a much different experience to feel those emtions on the mat than while curled up in bed or sulking somewhere, just dwelling on their weight and not doing much to manage them.

I hope I will always feel this way about the mat.  I hope I will hold my resolve to honor my body, mind, and spirit by doing some sort of exercise on the mat as often as I can.  While it's still easy for me to prefer to stay sedentary and not get up and move, as soon as I push myself to pull out the mat, I click into that mode of discipline and peaceful presence that my yoga mat magically brings.

God Bless!

Art, Music, my painful paths and questions

I'm at a crucial point in life.  Well, a crucial career-minded point.  I'm 25 and still trying to figure out what to do with myself.  I still live in my parents' house.  I work a per diem job to cover the bills but right now I'm trying to be diligent about this new business I've created, Just Peachy! Portraits.  My website and logo are still under construction, but I'm hopeful that with enough determination, time, and talent, I can actually go someplace with this.  However, I still get really down about the fact that I am an artist in almost every way, and it's often the most impractical path.

I miss singing, and am going to get back into it soon.  I'm trying to be very aware of when I am most happy so that I can follow that feeling.  And the truth is, I am happiest when I am singing and when I am making art.  I really don't want a typical day job.  I do not want to work for a company.  I want to be my own boss, and I want to do work that lets me use my skills and talents!  This, for me, is singing and drawing/painting.  But I wish it could just be that simple.  I wish I could quit my "practical" job and be a part-time portrait artist and a part-time singer.  I mean, why the hell not?  Why can't I live in my own apartment and speak Spanish every day and make beautiful pictures and sing beautiful songs?  Why can't I bring a little color and joy to the world?

I just don't like the way the world works.  That we have to have all these rigid, structured, organized, documented, official, detailed pieces of our lives together in order to function.  But I wonder how much of it is my perception and doubt as opposed to point-blank reality.  I know I have many irrational fears that need to be trampled, otherwise I'll never get anywhere.

But being in my mid-twenties now is making me feel more impatient.  I need to get out of here, I need to be an adult and be independent and make myself succeed.  I need to do what I was born to do, what God gave me as parts of my unique self.  I need to keep pushing myself and not expect anyone else to.  I need to, I need to, I need to.  I tell myself that phrase about a lot of things.

The thing is, when I'm sitting in my room like this and look at my things and contemplate the fact that I am here, in this house, still...I wonder when the moment will be.  When will it finally be the day that I pack up everything I need, get rid of the rest, figure out how to ship things, and have a new address?  Where will I be going?  When will I know that it's time?  Or, rather, when will I feel that urge take over and just lose all reservations?  When will these petty fears and annoyances really become that - just petty - and enable me to be the best person I can be?  I'm afraid that the longer I sit here, the longer I wait and worry and feel sorry for myself, the more entrapped I become.  The tighter the shackles of anxiety and self-doubt become until one day, I may decide never to leave.  But I can't let that happen.  I absolutely must not.  If I'm to blossom and be a beautiful reflection of God's love by celebrating the gifts He's given me, I cannot be a prisoner.  I have to be free.

Many people would read this and pass judgment or provide simple answers or laugh or scoff and scorn, but I'm not going to worry about them.  I believe in self-love and true compassion (something many know nothing of these days, lamentably).  I believe in being gentle with oneself, and I believe in encouragement and positive affirmations.  If no one can do this for me, it's my job to do it for myself.  Sometimes I want my true self - the woman who is beautiful and talented and strong and holy and lovely - to give my worried little girl part a big, warm hug.

Dear God, I still wonder how long I'm going to be like this.  How can I change?  How can I be courageous and prominent?  How can I accomplish my dreams and still be loving You?  How can I follow Your path for me?  Am I wasting time?  Is this what You really want for me?

Jesus, I am coming to understand more and more that wherever You want me to be is always the direction I should go.  Sometimes it's not so easy to tell, and I have to take risks and jump somewhere.  But I want to be safe.  I want to contribute to the world, and make a difference.  I want to matter.  I don't want to just exist.  I've been there already.  You know my history.  I want to bring love and compassion to others where they have never experienced it.  I want to be lighthearted and joyful, I want to paint the world in song and color.  I am so grateful for the music my voice makes and the colors my eyes see.  I'm constantly frustrated because my soul wants to be everywhere and follow every passion.  But yet I know You want me to experience this struggle. I know You have a love for me no human ever could.  You do believe I'm special and unique.  And You can lead me down the right path.  All I have to do is follow!  Please help me succeed in this.  Bring my heart to Yours.  Help me reach for You in all my endeavors.  Help me believe.

A Beautiful Waste of Talent

I contain so much fear.  I live with it 24/7.  I think one of the greatest fears I experience is the fear that I'll always be miserable.  No, I'm not generally a miserable person, but when I think about the life changes I want to make, I worry that I still won't be satisfied even after following through with those important changes.  I'm afraid that everything will be one huge disappointment.  I'll still be struggling, if not with the same things I'm struggling with now, then something else to replace them.  I'll have lived my whole life hoping and dreaming for these specific things, and maybe I will accomplish them, but they won't feel so great after all.  They just won't seem like a big deal.  Or I'll have gotten myself in more of a mess and it will be worse than the situation I'm in now (which is fairly mellow and easy).

I can't believe I struggle in the ways that I do.  When I look in the mirror, I see someone completely different from the way I feel inside, and the way I feel when I look at others and when they look at me.  In the mirror I see someone pretty, someone who ought to be confident all the time and handle life in a completely different manner.  But when I'm not looking in the mirror, I forget what I really look like to the outside world.  I forget that I can be that radiant, confident woman I've seen so many times, but who is actually trapped in the mirror.  I forget that she needs to step outside the mirror and release herself unto the world.  Instead, I walk around this earth timidly, hesitantly, worriedly, ashamedly, confusedly, and bashfully.  I feel small, insecure, and insignificant.  My dreams feel impossible.  My passions are strong but everything is painful.  I legitimately suffer for being so full of hopes and dreams but so unafraid and unable to do anything about them.  I am trapped by my own twisted mind and I feel like a child.

I don't get why God made me this way.  I think He did make me special, because I know I have talents and skills and traits to offer the world.  But why am I also so ill equipped to use them?  Why do I not possess what most others do?  I feel so lacking, so ill at ease, and so desperate.  I just want to be held.  But I don't want others involved.  I don't care about relationships or melding people into my life goals.  No, this is about independence.  This is about being an adult and knowing what it means for the first time.  This is about never wanting to feel inadequate again.  I want to squash this constant agony of never being enough, of never having the tools or the knowledge or the intelligence or the common sense to do anything useful to gain success for myself.  I want to know I can someday be at rest.

My soul feels stretched to its limits.  I know that doing nothing is worse than trying and failing.  I know many practical, logical, functional, rational things.  But "knowing" them doesn't do me any good.  It makes me feel worse.  It ignites those flames of inadequacy and overwhelmed-ness.  I am swallowed in simple oppression.  I know there are probably people in the world who suffer similarly but to a greater extent, but I haven't met them, so I feel like I'm the only one.  Nobody thinks about the details that I do.  Nobody lets them get in the way.  I submit to my weakness and anxiety about the most basic things in life.  So I am constantly uncomfortable, no matter where I am or what I do.  I feel incomplete, immature, and unready.  I am so late and slow in developing.  The very fact that I am writing this is pathetic!

I know I should pray more.  I let all of these burdens take hold of my mind until I am fairly paralyzed with their weight.  I wish someone could help.  But I don't really, because it would make me even more ashamed and embarrassed and wishing I could be a turtle so I could crawl into my shell.  I hate my humanity.  But there are times I've been able to love it.  There's nothing quite like being human...it is definitely its own thing to be appreciated. But one can also loathe it, celebrate it, cherish it, worship it, degrade it, and unveil it.  I know our outlook is what matters most.  But sometimes, I just think that's bullshit and I'll eat some chocolate.

I feel stuck.  I feel too old to be so stuck, and I'm afraid that by the time I'm finally unstuck I'll be 80, and by then I won't give a shit anymore.

I think our society has ruined me.  That's why I've always felt like I don't belong.  I don't want to be a gringa.  I have always felt my Latin blood more strongly than anything else.  This isn't my culture, this isn't my nature.  I want to be unleashed.  

Commitment, resolution, accomplishment...

I've been wanting to post another entry since my last one, but haven't been sure what topic to write about - even though I always have significant thoughts and moments that I feel I should write down.  It bothers me that I feel I need a definite subject to write about at length.  Silly me, a blog post can be long or short.  It is my blog, after all!

Anywho, I was chatting with a friend online a few minutes ago and he was telling me about an event he will be a part of, and that I should save the date for it.  "But I hope I'll see you before then!" he said.  I replied, nonchalantly, "Yes, hopefully."

Then my friend said something that really struck me.  "Forget hopefully...commit!"  

WOW.  I mean, wow.  He is SO right!  And I think this could apply to many things in our lives.  We need to be more proactive and less blasé about things in life, especially that which we are most passionate about and/or want to achieve.  "Hopefully" should not make a regular occurrence in our thought process.  (Okay, maybe I need to start speaking from my own voice and not for everyone else's; I mean to say that I need not use "hopefully" so liberally!)  I have always been a hopeful person, always dreaming to the distant, abstract future or other realm of reality (i.e. fantasy), and hoping against hope that things would turn out the way I wanted (or "hoped") they would.  But I realize, now that I'm an adult, that there's more to hope and making dreams come true than just hope.

I am a late bloomer.  I know this, and I have to be okay with this.  Why?  Well, because I know that I do indeed bloom.  I just don't follow the same life paths or trends as others typically do.  And as I was telling another friend of mine earlier today, I have to be compassionate and loving toward myself in all these matters.  That's why I'm trying to turn away from just the hoping and more toward a do-ing frame of mind.  I am gentle toward myself in knowing that I don't need to compete with the rest of the world and that this journey is mine alone.  But this requires a balance; I need both the confidence to make conscious decisions and steps toward my goals, as well as genuine faith and hope that I will achieve these things I dream of.

So I feel like I'm being very vague and general (it's easy for me to ramble on without specifics).  Let's get down to the nitty gritty.  What do I really want to achieve?  What am I so anxious about? What am I hoping for, and what am I acting on?  Well, number one: I want to grow up.  I am an adult, technically, but I want to be living an adult life.  I want to pay my own rent in my own place, and I want to choose where in the country (or world) that place is to be.  I want the confidence and independence to be self-sustaining.  Right now, I'm not completely there.  I have been hoping for so long that I would find myself there, and I've been dreaming of it with exasperating fervor.

I also dream of travel.  I dream of cultural and linguistic immersion.  I dream of new surroundings, of learning my way around, and of building my community.  I know what it's like to hope for all of this (and I certainly hope for much more), but what can I do to do something about this?  I can't just keep telling myself and others that someday, hopefully, it will "happen."  It never will if I don't MAKE it happen!

I am going to commit, therefore, to making 2013 the Year of Change for me.  No, I'm not making a New Year's Resolution.  I am making a personal resolution to honor the most genuine desires God has placed in my heart, and take the plunge toward giving them life.