The Woman of My Dreams

This is going to be my last blog post in English for a while.  Tomorrow I move to Middlebury College for six weeks of intensive Spanish immersion, earning the first nine credits of my Master's degree (or so I hope!).  It's unnerving, exciting, scary, and overwhelming, all at once.  Even though I still have my doubts, I can't help but think that the past several years that have been so difficult for me were all part of God's master plan to bring me here, to the beginning of this most important chapter of my life thus far.

My twenties have been anything but easy and full of sunshine and daisies.  Sure, I have experienced many, many wonderful adventures, met some amazing people, and grown immensely in some important ways, but none of it has been without struggle.  The road has been extremely painful at times; I have suffered from depression, anxiety, E.D., hopelessness, despair, frustration, self-hatred, low self-esteem, and a bounty of other mental and emotional ailments.

College was especially difficult.  I hated most of my experience (at two different schools over 5.5 years).  I honestly only went to college right after high school because I was following the prescribed path that society had set up for me and everyone else in my class.  Looking back on my high school self now, I have so much sympathy for her, and I wish I had had the strength back then to follow my own path and my own heart, instead of looking at everyone around me, which I was constantly doing.  I never felt comfortable in my own skin and I never felt like a valid, substantial individual capable of blazing her own trail.  My classmates were all excited to graduate and go off to their out-of-state colleges and start whole new lives.  Me?  While I was happy to leave high school, I was terrified of the unknown and the big decisions I was faced with, and I did not feel ready or very willing to go far.  I only applied to four schools, was rejected from one, and in the end had to decide between SUNY Plattsburgh and UVM.  I chose SUNY because at least then I could say I was going out-of-state (little did I know then that I would end up attending both schools anyway).

Academically, I did well at PSU during my two and a half years there, staying on the Dean's List every semester.  My perfectionist part kept me in line with two majors and one minor, in addition to leading the church choir back home in Vermont, holding a volunteer position in the Plattsburgh community, and maintaining my part-time job in Vermont as well.  When you look at things that way, I was pretty successful.  Too bad I wasn't also happy.

When I was twenty I started dating my first boyfriend.  He was charming and sweet and everything I wanted.  But before I knew it, the E.D. fire I was playing with at the same time caught up to me and I was forced by my college to take a medical leave of absence for a semester.  This devastated me.  It was already five weeks into the semester and I had completed so much work that I never received credit for.  My entire world changed during this time; I would never be the same again.  I broke up with my boyfriend and it was the best decision I had made at that point in my life.  I could not be with another person while I was engaged in such a deadly personal battle.  I only wish now that I had stayed single until I was at a more stable place in my recovery.  All my relationships after that first one were pointless, wrong, and damaging.

While I was on medical leave, I knew I couldn't go back to PSU where I had so many memories and triggers.  So I applied to transfer to UVM.  It's funny that things played out this way, because amongst all my anxieties and worries during college, transferring to another college had been something I'd wanted to do while I was at PSU (before the medical problems) but never knew how, and thought I could never be capable of doing.  Transferring had always seemed like an overwhelming process.  Well, it's funny that when life itself prompts you in a certain direction, you have no choice but to act.  So when I knew I could not go back to SUNY, I somehow figured out on my own how to transfer.  This in itself was a huge victory for me.  I know it may sound silly to most "normal" people, but for me I'm very proud that I achieved that back then.  At the time, of course, it did not necessarily seem like anything important, because I was doing it to get away from Plattsburgh and simply finish my degree.  I was glad for a fresh start and different surroundings, but I still did not actually care about school.  I was just going through the motions.

I cried on my drive to UVM on my first day of classes.  And I cried every day that first semester.  I was miserable.  Not because of the school, really, but because of everything.  I hated everything about myself and my whole life during this early period of recovery.  I remember just wanting to drop out, every day.  Every day, I wondered if this would be the day I would drop out.  I also remember praying to God to just let me drop dead, just take me out of my misery and out of this stupid world.  I had absolutely zero desire to live.  But my body was growing stronger, so I knew it wouldn't be as easy to disappear like it had been before, when everyone really did think I would die.

It's a miracle that I pushed through two and a half years at UVM, hating the entire experience.  I had no friends there; I just went to my classes and otherwise had no desire to be on campus.  But I know now that GOD got me through it.  His grace carried me all the way to graduation in December 2011.  I remember sitting in my seat during the ceremony, and feeling the tears sting my eyes at the moment I realized how much I had gone through to get to this point.  Even though I picked the wrong majors and the wrong schools, and even the wrong year to go to college, I had made it through and I was finally receiving my degree.  This was really happening.  I was free to go on to something new.

I spent most of my time since college working a paycheck job that I hated because it had nothing to do with me and my fierce heart.  BUT I also learned to salsa dance (and became really good at it), traveled by myself, performed in community theatre productions, performed local gigs and open mics around town, got to know Burlington like I never did before, made more Spanish-speaking friends, attended Spanish conversation groups, started a portrait business, applied to volunteer and mission service programs, made many mistakes and poor decisions, and finally stopped trying to figure out my whole life all at once.

Last summer, after I returned from a trip to Washington, D.C. for discernment with a mission service I had applied to (and was not accepted to), I wrote an email to the Middlebury Language Schools with interest in their graduate program in Spanish.  I initiated a campus visit, where I met with the graduate coordinator and assistant director, and sat in on a class (it happened to be the last week of classes, so my timing in writing to the school was perfect).  I got home and decided to apply, even though I doubted I would be accepted because of how my grades had plummeted from SUNY to UVM, and the mere fact that I haven't taken a single Spanish course since summer 2011.  In December 2013, I was accepted to the Master of Spanish program in the Middlebury Language Schools.

I am 26 years old and I still live in the house I grew up in.  I don't know how to do many things.  The world is big and scary to me.  People are awful and incredible and I often want to be a hermit because of them.  I'm definitely an introvert.  I'm also a singer, a visual artist, a writer, an editor, a lover of foreign languages and cultures, a passionate salsa dancer, an aspiring humanitarian, and a follower of Christ (or at least I try to be).  I don't know where I'm going to go in life but I'm trusting that the Lord will connect the dots for me, as he has already been doing my entire life.  I spent the last two and a half years hating my life situation -- hating my job, hating the fact that I still live at home, hating not knowing what to do with myself or where to go, hating that I should have achieved so much more by now.  I'm 26!  I thought I would already be successful, in some fancy career, living in some sweet apartment in a big city, being super confident and using all my artistic skills to their fullest and not wasting a moment.

Well it sure as hell felt like I was wasting countless moments.  But it only felt that way.  See, the truth is, none of it was for nothing.  Now that I'm about to embark on this truly special opportunity with Middlebury, the pieces are all coming together for me.

That job I hated?

1. I did make some really great connections and friends, which is always important in life.  These people quickly understood my free-spirited nature and longing to spread my wings, and I sincerely appreciate all their encouragement and support along the way.
2. I made MONEY -- first, to travel to figure out what I wanted and didn't want -- and now for school (for which I've already had many expenses).
3. I made major steps in PERSONAL GROWTH from all the skills I learned and the people I had to interact with in that particular environment.  Those skills are coming with me to Middlebury and abroad!

Living at home as an adult?

1. The obvious: I SAVED A SH*TLOAD OF MONEY.  This is money that I would not have had if I had been living on my own in some crappy apartment like all the other twenty-somethings around here, just for the sake of having my own place.  I would have been scraping by to make ends meet every month, and I would most likely NOT have been able to go to school simply due to lack of startup funds.
2. I chose not to arbitrarily move into an apartment in Burlington just to be near the job I hated because I already knew all along that I did not want to stay in that job or in Vermont.  I have felt called to make important change in the world all my life, and I want to do this on an international level, not by living in the same cozy little place and working a 9-5 just because it's all convenient (or the norm).  It's fine for some people, but if I can help it, I want to avoid this lifestyle at all costs for myself -- at least, at this point in time.  So I took my time figuring out what I wanted to do, all the while considering my living situation as temporary.  It's been challenging to overcome my shame or feeling badly about it, but when I look at the bigger picture I know that I'm okay :).
3. Flexibility, Support, and Independence.  Even though I didn't know where I was aiming or what I was really doing in the long run, during this temporary in-between time I organically created a schedule and lifestyle that provided the flexibility I needed to explore my options in life.  I couldn't be nailed down by a full-time office job schedule.  So I worked per diem, creating my work schedule around my life goals and interests.  Living at home also provided the support I needed to do this, both economically and emotionally.  My family has been great about giving me this option so that I can "figure out what to do with my life"!  I also have enjoyed some much-needed independence; taking vacations by myself has been a huge blessing in this department, and already living at home means I had the money to do this.  My "me" time is sacred -- I am a naturally solitary person.
4. I am seeing and spending time with my family by living with them.  This is important because I likely will not have this time again, or at least not as much of it.  I am very close with them, but I have always known I wanted to get out and see the world, and have a constantly moving lifestyle.  I don't want to settle down.  I want my work to take me around the country and around the world.  I want to BE the change I want to see.

Many days have felt mundane, bleak, and repetitive, but God has taught me over the last few years that following your dreams looks different than what we are made to believe.  It takes commitment, passion, struggle, suffering, and the very willingness to struggle and suffer in order to achieve our goals.  It has been extremely painful not knowing which path I'm supposed to be on, or how to get to the paths I want, but somehow, I have still been heading in a forward direction (even when it didn't feel that way).  

I am now following one of my many dreams by attending the Middlebury Language Schools: fluency in Spanish.  My desire to be fluent in Spanish has been with me for as long as I can remember.  Cuchara was one of the first Spanish words I learned.  I remember my mother teaching it to me in the kitchen when I was a little girl.  And I remember how I named one of my dolls "Lupita" because I wanted her to have a Spanish name.  The beauty and intrigue of Latin culture and Spanish language is what keeps my beautiful inner child alive, and I cherish her!  I love the fact that when I think of Spanish or anything Hispanic, I see the color orange in my mind, and I think of heat and palm trees and the circular movements of hips swaying in dance.  Spanish and all things Latin make me think of vibrancy, of what makes my blood flow and my heart pump and my soul keep trying, every day, to be the Woman of My Dreams.  

Who is this Woman?  She is the one who walks with her head held high, her back straight, and who carries an agenda she intends to see complete in life.  She's a powerhouse humanitarian by day, a singer and salsa dancer by night.  She never stops learning languages.  She connects with as many people as possible.  She trusts in God and believes His Way to be the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  She paints (literally) the beauty she sees and experiences.  She laughs genuinely and lifts up those around her with the joy and grace she wants them to feel, too.  The Woman of My Dreams has no age; she is timeless, limitless, and overflowing with love and light so that she must share it around the world.  She is reverent and observant, wise to the finite nature of her body and respectful of the unknown.  

She cannot predict the future, so she uses her earthly life to be well and do good.

May we all seek the best of life, strive to do and be our best, and aim to serve God and others to bring peace to this troubled world.

Jailbreak

I was talking to a friend who lives across the country yesterday.  She is probably the oldest friend I have, and we used to call each other best friends, but in recent years we've grown apart in many ways.  It's interesting to notice how a person can become completely unaware of what she's doing to herself when she begins to adopt a certain dysfunctional lifestyle.  It's always when you're in the middle of it yourself, and can no longer be objective, that it's the hardest to make a change.

I have to pray for this friend, and all others like her.  I was caught in a similar rut a few years ago, where I was making poor decisions but either didn't care or didn't notice.  I was kind of doing what I wanted but I was still sort of chasing something, I think.  Or maybe I was trying to run away from certain parts of myself.

When I was chatting with this friend yesterday, we began discussing morality.  In particular, sexual morality came up.  Of course, this is a huge topic and I'm not going to get into all of it, but my friend said something striking that I know has come across my own mind regarding my own personal choices many times.

"When I do [X] or when I'm with [Y], I'm not thinking of it as bad.  It doesn't feel bad at all.  Actually, it feels pretty good."

Okay, so I'm paraphrasing because I'm pretty sure those were not her exact words, but you get the idea.  Shortly after she said this, she had to leave and I did not have a chance to fully flesh out a response.  But there is so much I would have liked to say to her.

I watched the movie God's Not Dead in the theater, and there was a really good line or two that the character Mrs. Banks, an old woman in a nursing home suffering from Alzheimer's (or maybe it was dementia?) says profoundly:

"Sometimes Satan allows a person a life without trouble so that they won't turn to God."

"Sin is like a jail cell except it's nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any need to leave.  The door is wide open...until one day, the door slams shut."

Boom.  This is what I wish I could have said to my friend.  It's just so sad to me that she doesn't think she deserves or is worth truly loving, and instead she's just seeking pleasure or company or distraction or who the hell knows what, from a bunch of people who don't truly give a shit about her.  But in reality, as I look from the outside in, all I'm seeing is her wasting her life and not really getting anywhere.  It's disorder.  It's spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental chaos.  She's an intelligent woman with so much to offer, but all I see is pain and suffering.  At this point it may be numbing to her, so she's not actually recognizing it as hurtful, but I know for sure that she's not experiencing anything that is bringing out the best in herself or bringing her true joy.

Regarding the God's Not Dead quotes: If sin is so "nice and comfy," then wouldn't that kind of logic imply that nearly anything positive we do or experience is "sinful"?  How can you tell the difference or make any kind of moral basis for yourself if sin is disguised in something that feels good?  Well, I think the true, core definition of sin is anything that separates us from God.  "Feeling good" can actually be quite dangerous.  If we make all our judgments, belief systems, and decisions based on whether or not something "feels good," then we are setting ourselves up for that jail cell to slam on us at any moment.  You see, feelings, whether physical or emotional, are fickle.  They CHANGE.  They VARY from person to person, moment to moment, environment to environment, circumstance to circumstance.  We need something secure, stable, real, true, dependable, undeniable, and absolute.  (Yes, I realize that people in this century do not like the word "absolute," but in fact it exists in our vocabulary and therefore it has some significance.)  We need GOD.  GOD is our lighthouse.  He is there to GUIDE us.  And that is exactly what each and every one of us needs.  We really are like a planet full of Terrible Twos, just running around making messes and often being completely unaware.  Well the thing is, if we keep God, Christ, in the center of our lives, we're just Twos, not necessarily Terrible.  I mean, we're always going to be sinners, but if we aim for something Higher throughout our lives, we're playing the game of life at a whole different level.

I think we all suffer greatly from pride.  Pride keeps us from seeking out Christ.  It keeps us from thinking we need God at all.  We think we can handle everything, even our mistakes.  We think that there will always be a fork in the road where we can just turn right and fix everything along the way.  We think that jail cell is really just a cozy waiting room with no door.  But in fact, that door does exist (some people call it karma) and our lives are happening right now.  I really don't believe that any of us has any good reason to live our lives without purpose.  I don't care what that purpose is for you, but if it's something pure and good, something that makes your heart full and leads you toward God, instead of away from Him, then you have true liberty.  You are free to soar and live your life fearlessly, because you already know that God is the caretaker of your dreams and your reason to keep going.  If Divine Perfection/Love/Omnipotence holds your heart with all its human doubt and worry (along with that of every other human being in existence), then He certainly can take you out of that jail cell.  Don't settle for comfort and familiarity.  Chances are, there is SO much more waiting out there for you.

If you don't have the means or the circumstances to go halfway across the globe and feed all the starving children, then do something else.  Find your passion, your purpose, your reason, your unique lovability, and infuse it wherever and whenever you can.  Smile at the old lady in the grocery store and help her reach something on the shelf.  Ask the cashier how he or she is and look that person in the eyes as you say it.  Take any and all small steps toward greatness.  Greatness is not measured by size; it's authenticity.  

Start living your life from inside the heart outward.  Get OUT of your head.  Get OUT of other people's drama.  Use your body as if it were made of gold and studded with diamonds.  You won't get another.  You are a spirit occupying this body.  Think CLEAN thoughts - whatever makes your spirit glide on Cloud 9 needs to become your fuel.  For me it's the feeling when I sing; when I listen to music in Spanish; when I dance; when I travel somewhere completely new; when I have good, heartwarming, wholesome conversations; the expansion I feel when I'm exposed to a new experience or idea; when I look at beautiful art and admire what people can do.  Discard what isn't taking you forward to a new, wondrous, and magical place where you will find serenity.  Always, always, always search for beauty.  The more you CHOOSE to see things as beautiful, the more they will become so and the lighter your heart will be.

I could go on forever.  And I will - in the way I live my life. That is what we all must do.  You know, in a way, being a human on this planet, being born and placed here, it can really feel like a punishment sometimes...a suffering we must endure, since life really is difficult for most of us.  The imperfection of life demands a struggle at least once, if not many times, throughout the human experience.  BUT, there is Hope.  Hope is begging us, each and every day, to break free of that jail cell, to relinquish our pride, and just get up and walk.  The door is already open!!  What are you waiting for?!