I'm still completely baffled by the way God has spoken to me in the last week or so. I had a crazy awesome encounter with an EMT at work, whom I discovered is Christian as well and totally passionate about his faith. Oh, did I mention that this happened hours after I spent some quality time in my brain feeling down about the faithlessness of society and doubting whether my own religion is valid anymore? Then, days later, I had posted on Facebook a status about how I wanted to feel missed, among other things, and guess what happened? The person I least expected to see at the ER told me, in a conversation, that I am missed. And she said it more than once, looking into my eyes. It was as if God Himself were speaking to me! And the funny thing is, when I wrote that I wanted to be missed, I was thinking of it in a specific way, like from a certain type of person. But after Margie said it to me, I realized how beautiful it was that it came from her. She's the kind of person many people would overlook at first, based on her appearance (I hate to say that, but it's realistic). And what I learned from this is that God fulfills our needs in the least expected, most unusual ways sometimes, but with purpose! How fascinating. He really knows how to surprise and humble us.
But here I am, still having doubts about my life and what it's worth. I struggle so much with the things I do -- my art, my singing, my Spanish, my writing, etc. -- because I don't see how they are valued by society at all. I don't see how I matter on the grand scheme of things. I don't see how I can escape the typical workforce and create the lifestyle I want: one involving all the activities I just mentioned, plus travel and a general independence. It seems like the things I do best aren't viewed as professional or legitimate ways of making a living. But I know that I do them well! And I feel like I'm wasting my time when I'm not doing them. Yet here we are, in an age where making money is everything. I know it shouldn't be that way, but in all honesty, money is kind of a necessity when it comes to shelter, food, clothing, and getting from point A to point B. And like everyone knows, you can't be an artist and do it for the money. Or so they say.
So why did God create ME? Why do all the things I love and the skills I possess cost money but make very little? How can I actually contribute to the world and not be in agony about where I'm not? I can't possibly keep up with all my talents and have a day job at the same time for the rest of my life. How can I just be me, completely enthralled by everything artistic and keep a roof over my head? I have to escape. I have to get off the training wheels. I don't know where I belong and I wish I did.
I have these Discernment Days coming up with the Franciscan Mission Service. I'm looking forward to the experience, but I still feel on the fence about becoming a lay missioner. It means putting myself in a place of economic insecurity and not knowing what would come after. Basically, if I get accepted into the program, I would have to quit my job, go on mission for two years, defer my student loans, use my savings to get by throughout the service term, and hope there's money left to resettle at the end. And where would that be? Where would I even begin? How would I make money? The thought of coming back home to live with my family of origin just riles me. I can't let that happen. And in the meantime, what about my portrait business I've just started up? What about my singing I want to get back involved with? What about salsa dancing? What about the things I want to maintain? I don't understand how it will all connect and how I can prevent losing any of them forever.
I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know! I pray to God to show me the way, but I'm not sure it's gotten any clearer. I know that I am a huge obstacle as well. I'm afraid of being stuck for the rest of my life and having a serious load of regrets when I'm older.
Everything seems so foggy, so unknown, so unclear. I thought some things were clear. I thought I was meant to be a singer, an artist, a Spanish-speaking success. Well okay, if not any of that, WHAT????
