Madrid meltdown

Tonight I just want ed to take me. I'm so done with everything. I'm melodramatic and I don't care.

But it gets so exhausting. Being alive. I know I'm so blessed but I can't even use my blessings well. And I know there are plenty of people REALLY suffering out there who would trade places with me in an instant. I wish I could give them my life and my opportunities. I can't do this right.

I always imagine myself being held. Safety. Warmth. Security.

Even if I get through this, I can't help but think it'll only pick back up again on the other side. I'll continue to be chased. I'm always going to be running, out of breath.

I'm just a little girl who loves to smile and be in the light. I only came outside to smell the flowers. But I found weeds there too. They're poisonous.

I'm still pissed that I ever re-fed. Dear God, Ellie, why did you have to be the one to go? I still would give you my life instead. I just know I could've kept going if I'd never left Walden. I had death in my hands and I let it fall.

I'm disturbed and I know it. I've been this way for most of my life. Sometimes I could really see myself pulling a Van Gogh and just cutting off my ear or something. I understand this madness. It's a deep part of me.

I haven't cried like this in a while. But it's good, it's cleansing.

I have about 40 academic pages to write. In Spanish. The Spanish part doesn't bother me so much. It's the research and actually knowing what the hell I'm talking about that's pretty up in the air. Also, I have like 10 days to do this. I've never known screwed like I know it now.

Why can't I just write shit like this and get credit?

Por fin, my first equestrian encounter!

I am a firm believer in staying authentic and true to myself. I know without a doubt that what I value as an expat is establishing myself in this community and coming to know the city that I'm living in. I want to be active and involved. I want to be integrated and appreciated, at least by a few. But I also want to be a wide-eyed child and just explore. There is so much here that I don't get to discover on an average week because I'm busy with school and other activities.

I am thrilled, pleased, relieved, and blessed. Today I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams and longtime bucket list items: horseback riding! I know -- for those of you who know me, it's strange that this was my first time, since I'm from Vermont. But this experience is even more epic because I did it in Madrid, Spain! I'm proud of myself for persevering, because I almost didn't make it out there at all. I'm going to backtrack a little and give you the whole picture.

I was out late last night with some of my new madrileño friends. It was really nice to be out with locals and not be near any fellow Americans - in other words, truly on my own in a foreign city. I felt wonderfully and completely immersed. The beauty of it is that it was all natural and of my own doing - of my own initiatives since being in Spain. First I went to dinner with a friend I made at a language exchange meetup a week prior; later we went to a bar to catch up with a mutual friend and a German girl who's a student in Spain (and has practically flawless Spanish). During dinner, Alex and I laughed so much. It was extemely healing for me, despite the fact that I felt like a 5-year-old because I kept forgetting things and making mistakes with my Spanish. But I don't normally laugh that much with Spaniards, so it was totally worth the insecurity and frustration I have toward myself (I still struggle with the process of language learning...I just want to be 100% fluent already!). But this guy is pretty chill and smiles a lot, which is rare and refreshing around here. It was SO wonderful to be out of the classroom, completely away from the academic environment, to learn naturally and calmly through developing a friendship with a native speaker. These are the moments I cherish because this is what I have always dreamed of and expected from myself when I used to fantasize about living abroad; it wasn't necessarily about the number of places I was going to see, but rather the people I was going to meet and the depth and quality of my relationships with them. There's nothing like international friendships; we all have so much to share with, learn from, and teach one another.

Most of my classmates are gone taveling this weekend. I felt a certain excitement about having Madrid to myself (or feeling that way). Sometimes I just need that kind of space. I was originally going to be away as well, but only ended up stressing myself out a LOT over the last couple of weeks when I was trying to make travel plans. I felt a lot of anxiety and pressure...but what for? Nothing was working out as I tried making plans. I kept changing my mind and still felt unsure about the whole thing. I was creating way too much unnecessary anxiety for myself. At first I felt like I really needed to go somewhere far and exotic, because everyone else was. But then I realized that I didn't have any true desire of my own to do so. I mean, I'm an adult and I'm here in this Master's program pursuing my own goals, no one else's. I'm not paying thousands of dollars to just do what's popular. No, that's absolutely absurd. I want to be my own person and follow my own intuition. There's really nothing wrong with staying local on a long weekend. I can have just as many amazing experiences here in Madrid (or nearby) as the other people traveling in other parts of Spain or even in Paris. And it doesn't take much for me to prove it. The long weekend is half over and I've already accomplished what I feel are some amazing tasks.

One of the first things I needed from this weekend was to relax. I needed a vacation from all the emotions and tension I've built up inside over the last several weeks. I just wanted to chill out and breathe. I need tranquility. And the past couple of days have given me that. The silence of solitude can be lovely.

So before, when I was frantically trying to get a plan together for this weekend, one of my goals was to go to the country and ride a horse. I adore animals and have always, always dreamed of riding a horse. When I gave up altogether on reserving a trip, I thought I would have to postpone the horseback riding idea. Then, I was poking around on Meetup.com (super obsessed with this site), and God took care of me in an instant. There, before my eyes, was the page for a coincidentally brand-new horseback riding group in Madrid! I couldn't believe it. I hadn't expected to find anything right here in the city. I thought for sure I'd have to travel to another town to fulfill this dream. So anyway, of course I signed myself right up for what was plainly God's answer to my tumultuous ride of internal turmoil over the past few weeks. (You have no idea what the stress of planning for this weekend had been doing to me...I felt all sorts of shame and depression about not being able to get my act together and make something happen.)

During the week I didn't think much about planning for the riding lesson because the Meetup page said it was in Madrid. I assumed I'd just get on a metro and find the place fairly easily. But after I got home last night from my mixing with the locals, at about 02:00, I decided I should probably take a glance at the map to see where I needed to be in fewer than 10 hours. And joder, it looked as though it wasn't going to be feasible getting to the riding center by public transit alone. Great, I thought. JUST GREAT. Once again, my plans for the weekend had been crushed. And I felt kind of screwed because it was already so late and this woman who had organized the meetup was expecting me to be there. But I didn't have her phone number or anything...just the messaging page on the Meetup site. So I wrote her a message after 03:00 asking how I could get there without a car and hoped she would see it before leaving to meet me at the riding center.

Needless to say, since I went to sleep so late (or early, rather), I was still exhausted when my alarm sounded. I stayed in bed for a long time, contemplating whether there was any point in making an effort to go out today. I really doubted I could figure out how to get to this place. My exhaustion also made me feel depressed. I honestly felt like I may as well just sleep the entire day away. But then I thought about what it would mean to give up the horseback riding. Even though it certainly wasn't the only day I could ever possibly hope to do it, what would be the point in wasting a perfectly good opportunity? Also, I felt guilty at the thought of just not showing up and letting this woman, Barbara, down. Since she had just recently created the group on Meetup, I was the only person who had joined it and RSVP'd, so far. So I felt pretty much obligated to follow through.

By God's grace, I pulled myself out of bed. I checked my messages and found that Barbara had replied, telling me where the nearest train station was and that I could walk from there to the riding place. I looked at the clock and the map. There wouldn't be time to take a metro to the train and then walk from the train. As I threw on clothes and gobbled down some yogurt, feeling shitty for taking so long to get out of bed and for being in Madrid without any real plans (etc., etc. goes my silly brain), I decided to just take a cab. Fortunately (and divinely so, I'd say), there was a cab available sitting on the side of the main road by my street. Unfortunately, the driver had no idea where this place was, and we had quite some trouble finding it.

I felt awful when we started going in circles and then when the taxista had to turn off the meter because of it. It seems like this shit always happens to me. WHY ME?! I always want to shout out to the world. I'm always having a hard time with stupid, simple things. But this time I was legitimately annoyed because I didn't want to arrive late, miss the class, and have paid 30 euros in taxi fare for nothing (and then have to figure out how to get home after the taxi was already gone). BUT... As I got out of the cab, I saw a woman walking toward me. I looked at her and she looked at me. I think I made it a bit awkward because I didn't say anything. "Alissa?" she finally said. "¡Sí!" I replied. And that was that. I had finally freaking made it. The world hadn't ended.

Barbara was really sweet, and patient with my low confidence and awkward Spanish. She told me that the instructor was actually still teaching a class, so it was perfectly fine that I was a few minutes late. "He's Cuban," she said (in Spanish), "so he's on island time and very laid-back." Did she say CUBAN?! I thought. Holy shit, now I'm REALLY glad I got myself out of bed this morning and made it here!

It turned out that not only is Edgar from Cuba, but he's also very easy on the eyes! You've got to be kidding me, I thought. This day was just getting better and better! But then I quickly saw that he's a smoker. Thumbs-down in that department.

Anywho...the class was perfect. Barbara and I were Edgar's only students at that time, so it was nice and relaxed. The horses were sweet and calm. I was as gleeful as a child when I looked into the eyes of my horse that Edgar gave me. I really felt childlike in my soul when I took hold of the reins and Barbara and I began walking our horses over to where we would be riding. I couldn't believe this was finally happening. My only exposure to horses has been at the Champlain Valley Fair and Addison County Field Days once a year. Seriously, I think that's about it. I just love horses! I admire their anatomy, their beauty, and their strength. I used to diligently draw them as a child. These gorgeous animals have served humans for so long. What a wonderful gift to the world!

I felt real fear when it was time to mount. The horse's back looked very high up, as did the stirrups. I honestly did not believe I had the upper body strength to boost myself up with enough momentum. I thought I would almost certainly fall and either hurt my body or my pride in an instant. But Edgar thankfully helped me up, and it really wasn't so bad! Phew. First step down.

In my first moments in the saddle, sitting up high with no back support and not yet holding onto the reins (Edgar was, from his standing position on the ground), I felt insecure. I again felt that I would fall. But this feeling only lasted moments; after I had the reins to myself, I felt much better.

During the whole hour-long class we just walked the horses in small circles in a little sand-covered enclosure. We learned how to stop, start, and steer the horses. It was all very basic, but I loved every moment.

This one came out the best. Sorry the others are so dark!

Edgar and Barbara were also very pleasant to talk to. And guess what? I asked Edgar where exactly in Cuba he's from, and he said Matanzas. That's the same town where my maternal grandfather was raised!!! I love making these connections. The more, the better. Even though I'm in Spain for now, my goal has always been, and always will be, Cuba. My heart is there, even though I've never physically been, and even though my Cuban blood comes from my mother's side only. One day I will make to the island, and I will conduct the necessary research to learn about my grandparents and their family histories. Their stories must be known and must be told.

I was a bit sad when it was time to dismount and say goodbye to the horses. (I was also nervous to dismount! But Edgar helped me again.) At the same time, I now know that I'm capable of doing this, and I know that I definitely want to repetirlo.

Another blessing God provided me at the end of the day was that Barbara offered to drive me to the nearest metro station! Since I had arrived in a taxi, and definitely wasn't going to go back in one as well, I was a little anxious about figuring out how to get myself to a train station. I didn't know the area well, but I knew it would be a bit of a hike on foot. So I was extremely pleased that not only did I have a wonderful riding lesson, but I also was given the gift of peace about returning safely to the city. I mean, there's really no other way to see it; Barbara's kindness was truly a gift. Looking back on the stress of just getting to the place at the beginning of the day, I felt so relieved that the whole thing turned out so well. God just took care of me completely! Barbara even said that if I come back in the future, she would be willing to pick me up at the station and bring me to the riding center with her. How lovely!

A random tidbit to this tale: Part of my fantasy about riding horses came from the movie Titanic. I kid you not! You know why? Because I've always admired the way Rose continued to live her life after Jack died. I love the scene where she passes in her sleep and the camera moves to the pictures at her bedside, showing all the things she's done despite the tragedy she once knew. I love the picture of Rose on a horse. Something about that image is so signficant to me... It's like, I've had some of the same dreams as her. I know what it's like to be close to death, to even want it, and to come back from that with possibly more life than I ever had before. I have so many ambitions, dreams, hopes, and goals. I may never achieve them all, but if I can accomplish at least some of them, I will feel satisfied. I will feel invigorated, strengthened, and alive. When I engage in activities I have yearned for over a long period of time, I feel independent and capable. I feel like I've conquered the world of my fears and iniquities.

So I hope this entry may have inspired something in you, if you're reading this. I hope you get on that horse you've always wanted to get on, and pull yourself up even when you think you might fall. You'll never gallop if you don't get up and walk...