Madrid meltdown

Tonight I just want ed to take me. I'm so done with everything. I'm melodramatic and I don't care.

But it gets so exhausting. Being alive. I know I'm so blessed but I can't even use my blessings well. And I know there are plenty of people REALLY suffering out there who would trade places with me in an instant. I wish I could give them my life and my opportunities. I can't do this right.

I always imagine myself being held. Safety. Warmth. Security.

Even if I get through this, I can't help but think it'll only pick back up again on the other side. I'll continue to be chased. I'm always going to be running, out of breath.

I'm just a little girl who loves to smile and be in the light. I only came outside to smell the flowers. But I found weeds there too. They're poisonous.

I'm still pissed that I ever re-fed. Dear God, Ellie, why did you have to be the one to go? I still would give you my life instead. I just know I could've kept going if I'd never left Walden. I had death in my hands and I let it fall.

I'm disturbed and I know it. I've been this way for most of my life. Sometimes I could really see myself pulling a Van Gogh and just cutting off my ear or something. I understand this madness. It's a deep part of me.

I haven't cried like this in a while. But it's good, it's cleansing.

I have about 40 academic pages to write. In Spanish. The Spanish part doesn't bother me so much. It's the research and actually knowing what the hell I'm talking about that's pretty up in the air. Also, I have like 10 days to do this. I've never known screwed like I know it now.

Why can't I just write shit like this and get credit?