The yoga mat is a magical place, a sacred place. Wonderful things can occur on this simple piece of material! I am really coming to love and appreciate what happens to my body, mind, and spirit when I take the time to be present and exercise my body.
I've spent a lot of time on a yoga mat in years prior. It began when I was in a therapeutic yoga program, which I loved. I had a great instructor and I cherished everything she taught. I also branched out and took classes in the local yoga studios. But eventually, life caught up with me and I stopped my yoga practice.
I'm still not practicing yoga like I used to, but the great news is that yoga mats are still useful for other forms of exercise! So my mat is not just sitting in a corner collecting dust anymore, which makes me very happy :). I've recently had a surge of willpower to commit myself to exercising so I can tone up my body and be healthier. I have a set of workout DVDs that I used to use, but like yoga, I laid them to rest for a while, along with my hand weights and resistance tube. Anyway, I'm currently on a path to wellness and it feels great! But I'm also learning a lot along the way. And it's a process that has taken my whole life to unfold into.
I have always struggled with the idea of physical fitness. When I was a child, I was very active when I played (bike riding, monkey bars, etc.) and I dreamed of becoming an Olympic gymnast. Unfortunately, my parents could not afford gymnastics lessons, so that dream was never to be fulfilled. As I grew older, I grew less physically active. I hated P.E. class, especially in middle and high school. I never considered myself an athlete, and having to be in gym class was the most painful, embarrassing, shameful experience to endure at the time. When I look back on those days now, I feel sad for myself. I want to give that girl a hug and tell her she's okay! I had low self-esteem and almost no confidence during those years, especially when it came to my body. I wanted to be strong and fast like everyone else, but it seemed like it just wasn't me. I was an artist, a singer, everything but athletic. Having to compete with others and having my athletic incompetencies exposed to the world in gym class was just brutal.
In college I suddenly took it upon myself to start jogging. I started out very small, then worked my way up. I never participated in any clubs or school activities when it came to exercise, but I made definite progress on my own. However, I still didn't know much about the connection between physical exercise and how the way I moved my body could relate to my mind and spirit. I was more focused on doing the activity and keeping track of the numbers involved - miles, minutes, etc. I thought that numbers were everything.
But now, as a 25-year-old woman with many dreams and fears and lessons behind and ahead of her, I am learning to see exercise and physical fitness from a whole new perspective. Again, it comes from the journey; I had worked my way up to running 10 or more miles at a time, but then I stopped running and exercising regularly for about two years. Last summer, I was in a musical where I had to do some choreography, and that gave me confidence to finally try something on my bucket list - salsa dancing. I danced regularly for several months, and most recently I've taken a break from it. Now, I'm working on exercising at home. Part of my excuse for not exercising my body over the years was often weather-related. This is Vermont, and we only have nice running weather for about four months out of the year. So every year, when it started getting too cold to run, I would stop and basically do nothing all winter long. But I never liked that - I wanted to be able to exercise, because honestly, exercise really does make you feel good, no matter what your fitness level is. But I didn't feel like I should have to pay for a gym membership, especially since I don't particularly enjoy working out at gyms.
So I don't know what it was, but this time around, I finally got real with myself and realized that where there is a will, there is a way. I live in a small home with my family, and I don't have a lot of personal space. I always complained to myself that there is not enough floor space for me to do my workout DVDs in my room, which is where I really want to do my workouts. (I only needed my yoga mat and laptop to play the DVD.) But suddenly, one day, I had this defiant, fed-up part rise up in me that just felt so willful and determined in the best way to make this possible for myself, because honestly, being able to work out felt way more important than the silly reasons I had for not working out. So I literally pushed some items from the floor at the foot of my bed to the side of it, making enough room to fit my yoga mat. Suddenly, I had a workout space. And just like that, it was as if I had literally pushed aside my obstacles in order to make space for what mattered most to me at the time. I had been dwelling for so long on feeling sorry for myself and guilty for not being in shape or exercising regularly, that I finally got sick of and said, "The heck with it, I'm going to make this work for me!"
I'm using the same DVD set I had from about three or four years ago. Back then, I tried to force myself into completing the full workouts without really thinking about it or having any patience for myself at all. Now, I come to my practice with a completely different mindset. I feel calmer, gentler, and open-minded. I know I cannot do every move or every rep when I'm not in shape to begin with. But I also know that this is okay. I don't have to be already in shape to get in shape! The point of working out is to enjoy the process, to be present with it, and to stay committed to it and know that results will come in time. Before I used to work out as more of a punishment, as if I were angry with myself for not being the most athletic person out there. Now, I'm able to appreciate that this is my practice, to be done in my time, and there's no one I have to compete with but myself. I'm also not feeling so impatient for the results. Of course, I'd like to see firmer arms and toned abs by next week, but is that realistic? No, of course not! So nowadays, as I stay committed to my exercise (which I hope will last!), I am looking at this from a whole different point of view; I am feeling excited for the results, and the fact that this is a process actually enables me to feel that excitement! The fact that this cannot happen overnight is now making me even more determined to keep at it so I can later look back and realize how hard I worked. But it's also not about over-working myself. As I follow along with the DVD, I acknowledge when something is too hard for me, but I still try to do as much as I can, modifying a move when I need to. And I'm noticing that this is actually working; when I try the same move a few days later, I realize I am able to do more reps or hold a position longer, and that means I'm getting stronger.
So, back to the original topic. When I'm physically standing on the yoga mat, in bare feet, and feeling the hard surface of the floor under the mat, I feel a change take place within me, even before I begin exercising. It's immediately freeing. Child's pose feels natural. Almost anything I do on the mat comes naturally. I feel like I have space. And I feel like I am delivered from my typical self-judgments. It is all too easy for me to pass harsh judgments on my self and my body, but when I'm on the yoga mat, I feel so much more compassionate toward myself. Like there's just no need to be anything less than gentle or loving. And that's how it should always be. My body is not perfect, but when I give it the gift of time with the mat, I feel so much more at ease about this. I learn to love and appreciate the moments spent on the mat, and the process of working toward transforming it (not necessarily in a shocking or huge way, just making a change of some sort). Standing on the yoga mat, raising my arms and taking deep breaths, bringing my arms back down with hands in prayer pose, I feel at peace. I feel like anything is possible. I feel like I am worthy. I feel like this is my place, my time, my moment. It is a gift, and I must be grateful. Practicing gratitude is one of the best methods of self-healing I've found. It can be quite uplifting!
When I'm on the mat, I feel almost reverent. I feel close to myself, close to my body, attentive, hopeful, concentrated, but also frustrated, exhausted, and maybe a bit angry still. Almost any emotion can arise on the mat. But I think they're almost always healthy. Because the physical movements help us through. It's a much different experience to feel those emtions on the mat than while curled up in bed or sulking somewhere, just dwelling on their weight and not doing much to manage them.
I hope I will always feel this way about the mat. I hope I will hold my resolve to honor my body, mind, and spirit by doing some sort of exercise on the mat as often as I can. While it's still easy for me to prefer to stay sedentary and not get up and move, as soon as I push myself to pull out the mat, I click into that mode of discipline and peaceful presence that my yoga mat magically brings.
God Bless!
