Surrender

Ellie,

I start graduate school this summer, which is only a few months away, and I'm nervous.  I'm nervous because it's been over two years since I graduated college, and I struggled in college (well part of that was due to You-Know-Who).  I'm also scared because my program requires I only use Spanish the entire time!!  Of course, I love Spanish and that's why I'm going to get a Master's degree in it, but I have a part that is terrified I made the wrong choice.  Or rather, I'm terrified I made this choice to go to school for the wrong reasons.  I don't know.  I have many parts surrounding this whole new chapter of my life.

I wish I could have called you like you suggested in your last message to me, and I could have explained these fears and heard your voice in response.  I just wish I had really taken the time to get to know you better.  But I always felt like I had to walk on eggshells when it came to you, because I could tell from your Facebook posts that you were still so sick.

You're not tied down by Ed anymore, so I guess I'm free to talk to you as I would have if we had been able to become close friends.  The thing is, I have been trying to somewhat prepare myself for school by reviewing my Spanish and practicing as much as possible, but I'm so afraid I don't have what it takes to be a good student.  I can't stay focused or disciplined enough to even read a book in Spanish!  I can't stay focused on a single task and simply see it through from start to finish, it seems.  I am too distracted by other things and I know I can't let these bad habits follow me on campus.  Ellie, I'm afraid of failure.  I'm afraid I'll only last a week or two and then have to leave the program because I'm just not cut out for it.  And then what will I do?

I feel a little silly expressing these fears to you.  You were only 21 and still in college.  Your illness was a huge part of your life and there's no way you'd have been able to give me advice on this stuff.  Or maybe I'm being cruel and underestimating of you.  You were a mature young lady with a lot of faith...

Aside from me and my worries about school approaching, I do have to tell you that I am kind of kicking myself now for not having visited you while you were still alive (oh I shudder inside...what an awful phrase to use regarding you).  That drive to your hometown yesterday was nothing!  I could totally have done that ages ago and we could have hung out and everything...  I met a friend of yours, a woman named Susanne, yesterday, and she told me that she prayed with you to help you find a friend and a church when you went to college.  Oh, Ellie, I could have been that friend!  I would have gone to church with you.  I would have done whatever I could.  But honestly, I was afraid.  I was afraid you would be too triggering.  But I'm not even sure that's true now.  I think I was strong enough to handle it.  It would have been hard, seeing you and being around you while you were still sick, but I think it still would have been worth all that.

So Ellie, can you do me a favor?  Please ask Jesus to help me with school this summer.  Ask Him to give me the strength to stay away from Facebook and all other distractions so that I can really put my all into this program.  Please tell Him that I need all the help I can get because I'm already unsure and feeling doubtful.  I need to surrender and put my trust in God.  (Remember that word, "surrender"?  You asked me in your last message to pray that God would help you surrender.)  Help me, Ellie, to surrender my fears and worries so I can be a diligent student.  Help me to succeed, sweet angel friend!  I'd like to lean on your wings a little, if that's okay.

Thank you, Ellie, for the light you brought into this world.  I want to carry your spirit and your unfinished work so that I can be your vessel.  I want to fight poverty and world hunger.  I want to explore foreign lands and meet new people.  I want to tell everyone about a girl I knew who suffered most of her life but had beautiful eyes and a heart for God.  And when I graduate from my Master's program, I'll squeeze you in my pocket and smile my brightest for you.